During this past Paris Fashion Week, multi-hyphenate John Galliano (that would be designer-sad clown-crazy person) was the name on everyone’s lips. Not because fashion critics, journalists, bloggers and fans were enamored with his collection, but because at the end of February, just prior to PFW, Galliano got liquored up at a Parisian cafe and unleashed a slew of insults at some unsuspecting fellow patrons. The rant was foul-mouthed, Anti-Semitic, racist, generally insane and, perhaps worst of all for Galliano, caught on tape. Galliano was immediately fired from his position as chief designer at Dior and sent the future of his eponymous label spiraling toward uncertainty. Everyone weighed in on the scandal: from Karl Lagerfeld (who was “furious”) to Jessica Stam (who “loves the Jews”), to Natalie Portman (who was “shocked and disgusted” — and you won’t like her when she’s mad).
Now that the dust and face powder have settled and Galliano has reportedly packed his pirate blouses and headed to rehab, it seems prudent to take a long, reflective look back to see what we can really learn from this experience.
Namely, who we should cast in the John Galliano biopic!
Think about it: this story has the potential to be the most important movie to combine fashion and the evils of Anti-Semitism since Schindler’s Best Dressed List. I’ll start.
Sean Penn as John Galliano (see expert Photoshop illustration above)
While I was at first tempted to suggest Mel Gibson, that type of uber-meta stunt casting seems perhaps too obvious. Besides, Sean Penn already has the facial hair and the exaggerated sense of self-importance to play Galliano with aplomb. Plus, he has experience playing a famous, divisive homosexual (Milk), someone with a strange accent (All the King’s Men), someone with problem hair (Fast Times at Ridgemont High) and a drunk (real life). This is totally in his wheelhouse. I smell Oscar #3!
Robert DeNiro as Sidney Toledano
Dior President and Chief Executive Toledano acted swiftly and with conviction after Galliano’s public meltdown. Robert DeNiro was in Little Fockers and can’t afford to have that linger too long in our collective consciousness.
Christina Aguilera as Geraldine Bloch
Among other things, Galliano called art curator/historian Geraldine Bloch an “ugly, disgusting whore” with no dress sense, “ugly eyebrows” and “cheap thigh boots.” So.
BD Wong as Philippe Virgitti
Virgitti, Bloch’s 41 year-old receptionist boyfriend (!) allegedly had his life threatened by Galliano and is the one who made the fateful call to police. Virgitti is described by The Daily Mail as being “of Asian background.” Therefore, I would cast BD Wong, less because he’s a perfect fit, and more because I couldn’t think of any other Asian male actors except Daniel Dae Kim (too young) and Ken Watanabe (which would never work, since he would obviously just incept Galliano and turn him into a non-racist, Pro-Semite). So really the lesson here is that the movie industry needs to write more roles for Asian-Americans actors in mainstream cinema. Hear that, Hollywood? That’s the sound of the gauntlet being thrown, and then picked up by Margaret Cho and thrown again.
Melissa Leo as Cathy Horyn
The New York Times‘ Horyn was all over the Galliano story, reporting with a clear-eyed level-headedness amidst all of the post-firing emotion and rumor mongering. That Horyn is also one tough broad. And tough broad is what Melissa Leo does best.
Clive Owen as Riccardo Tisci
Let’s go with Clive Owen as Tisci, the Givenchy designer pegged as a front-runner to take over at Dior. He’ll have to lose a touch of weight, get a haircut and speak with a thick Italian accent, but how badly do you want it, Clive?
Sarah Lane as Natalie Portman
Portman, the face of a Dior perfume, famously renounced Galliano in a public statement. Sarah Lane was the ballerina body double for Portman in Black Swan, who recently complained that Natalie took credit for dancing that Lane actually did. So, Sarah, now’s your chance to exact revenge and actually become Natalie, and perhaps lose your identity in an ironic life-imitating-art Black Swan twist! We’ll just have to make sure there aren’t any actual mirrors in your trailer.
That’s an all-star cast if I’ve ever seen one. And don’t worry — if for some reason this doesn’t work out, I also have a separate art house Galliano biopic in development. This one stars a gender-bending Paz de la Huerta in the title role.
