The Infinite Wisdom of Supermodels

Hey, you know what must have sucked?  Living in the time of Confucius.  You know, say you’re hanging out in the Chinese State of Lu and you’re having a really bad day and you find yourself thinking about what this crazy thing called life really means. So you turn to your friends and you’re like, “Guys, where is Confucius?  Seriously, I need some explanations, like now.”  And your friends are all, “Hello, Confucius is journeying through the State of Wei right now, and then it’s on to Song and Chen, so you’re just going to have to sit there uninspired for a minute, guy.”  And then you wait around all sad and lost until finally someone from a neighboring state happens to pass by and tells you that a few weeks ago he heard Confucius say something like, “Fine words and an insinuating appearance are seldom associated with true virtue.”  And you’re like, “Um, ok, I guess I can think about that,” but really it doesn’t make you feel better and by the time Confucius’ Analects are published, he’s already dead and so are you, and you probably died still kind of philosophically unfulfilled.

Well, cheer up, because unlike our forefathers, as long as we have the Internet and/or a smartphone, we have 24/7 access to a whole fleet of modern day Confucii and never have to live in search of spiritual enlightenment for longer than an instant.

Who are these modern sages spouting such wisdom to the masses?  SUPERMODELS!  And how can you immerse yourself in their deep, penetrating exploration of the human condition?  TWITTER, DUH!

That’s right, all of the greatest and prettiest thinkers of our time are just a few clicks of the refresh button away, thinking thoughts so you don’t have to.  I mean, it’s only 140 characters, so you barely even have to know how to read.

Just log in and before you can say “existentialism,” you’ll find your questions already being answered by the likes of Sean Opry:

Think about it!

And Feminist Theory?  Eat your heart out, Simone de Beuvoir.

OMG, Ayn Rand blabbering on about objectivism again?  SNOREFEST!  Try Caleb Lane pursuing happiness:

Totally.  It’s like, “Stop shrugging, Atlas!”

Models aren’t afraid to tackle the complicated, metaphysical issues, either.

And no conversation of philosophical methods of interpretation is complete without mentioning the works of Tyson “Hermeneutics” Ballou:

You know?

And think about this:

It’s like you’re instantly emerging from a fog, right?

And can you say situational ethics?  Because Lily Aldridge can!

Tell me about it!

Like a modern day Jean-Paul Sartre, Chad White waxes philosophical on moral responsibility in between shirtless photoshoots with Details Magazine:

And remember:

But, when times are really tough, and I feel really lost and confused trying to make sense of the world around me, there’s only one woman who can shine a light upon what it all really means: Chanel Iman.

So true.  The more I think about what Chanel said, the more I hate The Game and can kind of sympathize with the Player.

It’s all starting to make sense…