‘Tis the Season to Get Sloppy

As you may have heard if you speak English, December is frequently referred to as “the most wonderful time of the year.”  But let’s be real here on SwipeLife — sometimes December is straight-up stressful.  Sure, there is the fresh scent of pine wafting through the previously garbage-y scented air and there are gingerbread houses that some kid made that you get to eat, but there are also things that aren’t so fun.  Things like incessant bell-ringing by Salvation Army Santas and incessant Mariah Carey Christmas album singalongs by every girl, ever, everywhere.  And of course, there is the patience-rattling insanity that is Christmas shopping.

The older I get, the more people I have to buy presents for each Christmas and the less time I seem to have to do it.  When I finally do get around to actually going out and attempting to buy things, stores are clogged with tourists from places like Italy and Japan and Kansas, shelves have been picked bare and in no time at all I’m left in a manic frenzy, tearing through piles of clothing and Yankee Candles in a crazed whirlwind that is not unlike that time I pounded two Five Hour Energies and couldn’t find my house keys.

But, fear not, procrastinators and reluctant gift-buyers: I have found a solution to holiday shopping that alleviates all the stress from this otherwise quite stressful predicament.  It’s a simple remedy that our forefathers mastered years ago and that our unborn children will undoubtedly embrace one day soon: just get drunk first.

No, seriously.  Wake up early on a Saturday when you don’t have work (at like noon) and head out to your local pub.  Once at the watering hole of your choice, pick your poison, befriend whatever vagrant is at the bar next to you at noon on a Saturday, and kick back for an hour or two of slowly and steadily increasing your BAC.  By the time 2:00pm rolls around, you’ll be good to go.  Settle up your tab and head on down the block to the nearest store.  It doesn’t even matter what store it is, because I promise you’ll find something there that you’ll be SURE your friends and family will love.

You know how people always say during the holidays that it’s better to give than to receive, but really it’s not because it’s way better to receive?  That’s not true when you’re drunk shopping!  It is actually fun to buy things for other people when your reason and judgment are impaired.  Plus, odds are that while you will find things that you can get your mom or your uncle or whoever, you’ll also walk away with a little something for yourself.  To which I say, Merry Christmas to you.

And to top it all off, none of the things that are most annoying about holiday shopping will bother you.  Because you’re hammered!  Sober You might see crowds and long lines; Inebriated You will see only friends you haven’t met yet and plenty of time to get to know to them.  Pre-drinks, you might be discouraged by spending a lot of money; post-drinks, you will gladly buy the warranty on that iPad, because you will probably have dropped it twice already.

And the best part is, drunk shopping doesn’t have to be limited to the holidays.  You can do it all year round!  In fact, just like pregnancy, drunk shopping is always more exciting when it’s unplanned.  This one Sunday last June my friend Noelle and I went to brunch near my apartment, and after a few Bellinis and a half-carafe of house red (each), we felt inspired to stumble over to Topshop.  While Noelle perused the jeggings and bedazzled summer scarves in the ladies’ section, I wandered downstairs to Topman.  Now mind you, prior to this voyage I had only been to Topman in New York once, at which time I bought this:

However, this fine tipsy afternoon, I combed through every rack of that store like the Ponce de Leon of Conspicuous Consumption, and came away with these gems:

Yes, that’s right.  A wolf sweater and a pair of elastic-waisted, acid-wash, tapered faux-jeans.  You tell me who you’d rather hang out with.

So, this Christmas, take a moment to ponder what the season is really about while you walk to the bar.  Once there, forget the deep thoughts and let the good times roll!  You’re going shopping a pitcher deep and you’re going to love it.  You may even find yourself singing along to Mariah on the overhead soundsystem at Bloomingdale’s.  In which case, you know you’ve had too much.

See you out there, lushes.